I TESTED POSITIVE BUT NOT FOR COVID

Hey guys, welcome to my blog. I shared some exciting news a few days ago via IG and Facebook. I announced to the world that I am pregnant with baby number four. I contemplated posting the announcement for over a month. I even let fear get the best of me the day before I posted. It was originally to be posted on Sunday. I didn't post until Monday. I held my breath and uploaded the reel. I was so nervous. My family really couldn't understand why I would be scared to post a pregnancy announcement, honestly, I didn't understand why I had so much anxiety about the subject of pregnancy either. I had to take a step back to realize that the word pregnancy sparked anxiety deep in my core. My cousin and I were conversing and she asked why when I'm pregnant do I kinda go into a shell? Why don't I in her words "slay my pregnancy"? What is the issue? At first, I didn't know. I just always seemed to feel the same from the first pregnancy, but why?

I mentally traveled back to 2011 when I was pregnant with my first daughter Jade. I realized that my first pregnancy prenatal care was the start of a not-so-amazing experience. My prenatal care was led by the doctor I will call Dr. A. He was an older white male with a very misogynistic attitude. I was forced into labor induction to fit the schedule of the Dr. which resulted in a c-section. I was overjoyed when my baby girl was born without any health issues. I was told that my delivery procedure was normal. I didn't receive much support post-delivery from the medical professionals. My husband and I became pregnant a few months later with my second daughter Joy. I was very uncomfortable with Doctor A. that I refused to repeat a scheduled c-section with him. He in turn refused care of me for the remainder of my pregnancy. I naturally went into labor and visited an emergency room of a local hospital in Chicago. I was dilating very well which means I would not need another c-section. I was so happy. I wanted to have a baby naturally so bad!!! Everything was progressing great. My nurse checked me and I was TEN centimeters. She said, "We are getting ready to prep you to push" and left the room. Little did I know that in less than an hour my whole life was about to change... I suddenly felt a burning pain all over my stomach. I looked at my mother and husband with fear and said " Something is not right", my mother said, " it's just the contractions". I said, " no mom, I feel like I'm dying". Her face changed immediately. She ran to get a doctor. The doctor came in and touched my stomach. She took off running into the hallway screaming at the top of her lungs. The whole room quickly filled with different medical staff. I was so scared. I didn't know what was happening to me. The doctor told me to turn over on the bed and get on all fours. How could I do that? I was in excruciating pain. I refused. She said that if I didn't move immediately, I would DIE. I was wheeled into the OR and thrown on the table. The last few memories I had was feeling a knife cut my stomach open. The pain was so unbearable that I began to vomit. A nurse push a tube down my throat to remove the vomit and I faded into the bright lights that shined above my head. I woke up three days later not knowing what happened. I did not see a baby in my room, I was so confused. My husband was there waiting for me. I could tell he was so worried. I asked him where my baby is. His reply was for me to rest and everything would be okay. I fell back to sleep waking up the next day with the same question. He knew I would not stop asking until I had an answer. He finally told me that Joy was in the NICU and she was alive. He went to the NICU and recorded my precious baby for me to see. When I viewed the video, I had so many questions. Why were tubes taped to her body? Why was she in the clear box? Why wasn't she moving? What was going on? I needed answers! He told me that from the time I felt the burning pain in my stomach, my uterus had ruptured. My daughter was not breathing from that time forward. She was born floppy, gray without a pulse. The doctors asked him during delivery should they save the mother or the child. My family replied, save them both. The doctors put my daughter through what they call "Brain Cooling" which is a process where the baby's temperature is carefully lowered after a traumatic labor experience. Essentially, protecting the brain by minimizing the production of toxic substances that can cause brain injury. I was told that my daughter Joy would be severely mentally delayed. We were asked to take her to a Neonatologist for the first year of her life. The one thing that the doctors didn't know about is the GOD I SERVE. After Joy spent a few weeks in the NICU, she was released. The nurses were amazed as to how fast she was recovering after the miraculous delivery, brain cooling, and surgery around her heart. She hasn't had one medical issue since birth. Joy is my blessing from God. I was told by everyone how blessed and lucky we were when they found out about this experience. I knew I was blessed, but why didn't I feel blessed? Was I blaming myself for what had happened? Why was I so disconnected from myself? I was not only experiencing postpartum depression, but I was also experiencing PTSD. I struggled for almost two years after my daughter was born. I just couldn't get a hold of things. I couldn't get back to the old me... Over time with prayer and support (lots from my husband), I got better, stronger, healthier. I was finally able to see the sun shining. I didn't realize that both of these pregnancy experiences caused me to carry fear and anxiety deep down in my core. I thought if I hid it well, no one would see. I never realized that I planted a bad seed that grew and sprouted fear, anxiety, stress, negative thoughts, and more. I couldn't believe that after all these years and three successful pregnancies (live babies), I still hadn't given my issues to God. I was carrying them with me every day, acting as if I believed the positive words that I spoke to everyone else. God has a way of showing you the truth. So I finally got my answer. I have been afraid to be transparent with my pregnancy journey due to the journey I've endured. I now know that when I tested positive for my fourth pregnancy, I tested positive for fear, hurt, self-doubt, and unforgiveness. One short conversation with my cousin uncovered bones that had been buried for almost a decade. I took the first step of faith by posting my pregnancy announcement. With the help of God, I plan to keep moving in the direction that brings light to my fears and healing to my spirit. Remember growth is beautiful and thanks for letting me share my story. -Bee Lee