Hey guys and welcome back to The Bee Lee Blog. I often get asked questions about being married in the 21st century.
Most questions are:
How long have you been married?
How do you stay married?
Are you happily married?
Have you ever cheated?
What are some of the biggest issues in your marriage?
How do you guys handle finances?
I know that some of these questions can seem overwhelming. I think people are searching for the truth, and they think that they can find it in me. When I first began to receive these questions, I was scared to answer. I wondered why someone would want to know about the private life of a regular "Jane" or in my case "Bee". It took a while to understand that everyone takes different paths in life. I had to step outside of the box I call my life. I now realize insight can be a good thing. I now welcome the questions, I answer with complete transparency. I must admit that I'm not always comfortable with sharing my life with others. I believe that being a living disciple for Christ is my calling. I must share the ups, downs, triumphs, and failures with others. No one is perfect, but we are still worth it.
My husband and I met in the summer of 2007. We both worked as camp counselors for Chicago Youth Centers. We started as friends that grew into more. It took a load of maturing on both sides to know that we didn't want to live without each other. Frank and I married in the summer of 2011. We thought this was the beginning of living on an "easy street". We, well I can only speak for myself, I had a complete book of how my life was going to proceed. I wanted to get a job as a middle school educator, live in a beautiful condo downtown, have a fluffy mini dog, and my handsome husband. I didn't care about starting a family. I wanted to travel and be the rich aunt that I always dreamed. I didn't want kids because if Frank and I were to divorce in the years to come, I didn't want any obstacles to hang in the middle.
I know, I know, that didn't happen... I got pregnant with my first child shortly after we got married... I was devastated to say the least! My husband on the other hand was extremely excited. He was the last of his crew to become a father. My mom was so surprised by how quickly my attitude changed when I met my baby girl Jade. I was obsessed with her. I had never experienced love like that before.
So, In less than 2 years, I became a wife, mother, and first-time homeowner. It was a lot to handle. As I'm typing this, I realize that Frank has also become a husband, father, and homeowner... okay I'm getting too ahead of myself. Let me go back to our wedding. My wedding was a Cinderella-themed wedding. We had an over-the-top extravaganza of at least 250 people. At the beginning of the wedding, a young Cinderella (my niece) and a young prince (Frank's cousin) danced until the clock struck 12. My niece ran off leaving a shoe behind. The prince picked up the shoe and tried it on every bridesmaid before they came down the aisle. As you know, the shoes only fit the Bride. This is important when talking about my marriage. I carried that same fairytale theology into my union, bad idea! I was expecting Frank to be a fairytale prince that would save me from any bad things in my life. These are unrealistic expectations to put on a person. The only man that can save me is Jesus. It took some maturing to understand that.
My marriage would be over today if I didn't fix some things about myself. It took much growth to realize my flaws that weakened my marital foundation. It took much prayer, reflection, and time to become the woman I am today. Frank and I celebrated 10 years of marriage this summer. We stay married because we both decided to work through every obstacle that presents itself. Happiness is a choice. I choose to be happy. I understand that you cannot prepare for everything in life. I'm pregnant with my 4th child and most would say I know exactly what to expect, but that's not true. Every time is different. Every stage of life is different. Every stage of Marriage is different. Honestly, the best advice I can give is to "roll with the punches" " take one day at a time"... these are the thoughts I keep in the back of my mind. Life is not easy, marriage is not easy, motherhood is not easy, homeownership isn't easy, BUT IT IS SO WORTH IT. When it comes to finances, my husband and I have joint and separate accounts. We both contribute to the family's expenses as needed. The only issue that seems to be big in marriage is communication. My marriage has had its share of communication issues, but we always seem to get through it because we keep a level of respect for each other that doesn't leave room for profanity, disrespect, and physical violence. A healthy marriage should always have clear boundaries to not cross no matter the situation.
For the women and men out there reading this blog, marriage is not 50/50, it is 100/100. You give 100% and he gives 100%. Love is patient and kind YES! But remember Love keeps no record of wrong... this was huge for me because I can be vindictive at times. God constantly reminds me of that part! We must learn how to love a person the way they receive love and also understand how we receive love. I am a person that shows love in deeds. My husband shows love with gifts... We discuss love languages and how we can better serve each other the way we receive love. No marriage is perfect but I must say that it is possible to have a great marriage in 2021. Society and the media would like us to think that long-lasting marriage is a thing of the past, but it's not. It's still a reality for many people like myself. I have decided to be a voice in a generation that believes that dating, romance, and courting are extinct. Love is still very much alive and thriving. Don't give up on yourself. If you are married, don't give up on your marriage. If you need help, contact a therapist, counselor, and read self-help books, and motivational speeches. Feed your spirit positivity. Remember growth is beautiful and thanks for letting me share my story. -Bee
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